Memories - Who We Are

When my mom passed away earlier this year, after having suffered the indignities and terrifying effects of dementia for the past seven years, we were sitting around reminiscing about her life, and it occurred to me that the majority of our memories of her stopped the day she entered the nursing home. Sure, we remembered our visits with her there; the celebrations of her birthdays, Mother's Days, and Christmas, while she was in the care-home, but because she hadn't been able to really interact with us during that time - didn't recognize us or her grandkids or friends - we had nothing on which to anchor our recollections because they were one-sided. She couldn't interact with us. Our best memories were of times before dementia had robbed her of her essence.

So, after she died we spent time remembering a mother who, despite many challenges, had been a strong role-model showing her children, by unwavering example, how hard-work and honesty could get you through almost anything. We remembered her dry humor, her witty one-liners, her love of her grandchildren, her strong friendships. Each of our memories was unique to us. The way one of us remembered something was completely different from how another recalled it but, one thing remained constant through the laughter, tears, and gratitude - how our memories of her had shaped our own lives.

We take memories for granted, assuming they are just byproducts of having lived but, I really believe they are much more than that. They are us. For without memories, we have no sense of connection; we become unsure of where we fit in the world; and we wouldn't be able to learn and grow and make new decisions without recalling how the past decisions had turned out. How we remember our past and how others, who are connected to those memories, recall those moments, give us our essence.

To know that I could very well develop dementia in the future, makes me that much more determined to record my memories for my children and grandchildren (and their children). Because I have memories they don't know about. All of my memories of events, people, and decisions who made me into the person my family knew when they were growing up, or the person I am now, are not things they might have known about me but, without a doubt, they are memories that will help them understand and navigate their own lives more easily. To know I was once a young, confused girl or a student who loved learning because it allowed me to excel at something or a young mother who didn't always have the answers, will perhaps make them feel better when they're confused or lost or unsure.

That's why I am determined to help people capture their stories. It's important. Those recollections create a connection between us and our loved one and leave them with a priceless legacy. We never know if the day will come when our memories will disappear into nothingness long before our physical body is gone. I'm not willing to take that chance. These memories are who I was, who I became and who I AM. Forever.